Fascination
by Elisabeth-l
Summary: Jasper has developed a certain fascination for his slip on Bella's birthday. Could he really have killed Bella that day? His conclusion has far-reaching consequences for her. "Bite me, Jasper." One-shot.


**Title: **Fascination  
**Author:** Elisabeth  
**Characters/Pairings: **Jasper, Bella (slight Jasper/Bella)  
**Rating: **K+  
**Summary: **Jasper has developed a certain fascination for his slip on Bella's birthday. Could he really have killed Bella that day? His conclusion has far-reaching consequences for her. "Bite me, Jasper." One-shot.  
**Disclaimer: **Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

**F A S C I N A T I O N **

Living with the Cullens is the easiest part of my life. It was never easy, do not get me wrong. It is simply less difficult than the rest of my life. Before Alice found me, I lived in a life filled with hate, hate that was usually not my own, and sorrow… Yes, the sorrow _was _my own.

My sorrow is what convinced me to join Alice in her search for Carlisle. We found him, and his family, and were welcomed with open arms. The happiness I felt in them was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was not long before Alice and I felt at home, and were part of the family.

I suppose that made it all much harder on me, when I would… slip. It was never easy for me to stick to their diet, however much I wanted to. The disappointment they tried to hide behind their support—futile, of course, and they must have known it—haunted me more than my own remorse. In the end, though, it always was their support that strengthened my perseverance. They believed in me when I could not.

It was exactly that trust—should I say misplaced trust?—that made me feel all the more ashamed of myself when I nearly killed Bella Swan. I had only momentarily let my guard down, but that one drop of blood was all it took. I lost it. I felt weak. Soldiers never let their guard down.

When Edward came to find me that night, I felt his anger, thinking it was directed at me. It was not, of course. He blamed himself. Like I blamed myself. And later I learned that Bella blamed herself too. I imagine an outsider would find this funny. I, too, see the irony.

We moved away then, but that never calmed my guilt. When Alice had had her visions (Bella's 'recreational' dive, Edward's escape to Volterra), I briefly thought of leaving them. Their lives would be more peaceful without me. I revelled in that thought for two full seconds before Carlisle got angry at me. I had never seen any man so angry. I stayed.

In the following year I developed a certain… fascination for my latest slip. Had I really been about to kill Bella? I wanted her blood, there is no denying that. Edward knew that too. At first, he kept Bella away from me even more. I was fine with that. It meant that Edward was away as well, giving me time to think about my intentions. Normally, Edward's anger would flare whenever I let my mind wander close to Bella's birthday party. He never gave me a chance to dwell on it. But he did not understand.

So I was glad when he was out of the house for a few hours. It gave me time to think. Think that maybe I did not want to kill Bella at all.

You know, the moment Bella realized what was going on, why I was so dangerously close to her, why Edward was fighting me off, I felt hope. It was not my hope, it was Bella's. I did not understand at first. No one bothered to tell me about Bella's wish. I was left to put the puzzle together myself, Edward's anger and frustration and Bella's hope and desire the only pieces of the puzzle at the time. Later on, I would notice Rosalie's bitterness around Bella. I realized she must know something.

I became restless with anxiety for the next time Edward would go away to Bella. I noticed then that they spent an awful lot of time at our house. I had not realized just how close Edward was letting me to Bella. For a few weeks, my mind was distracted, my fascination apparently numbed to a mild curiosity that was easy to ignore, and easily replaced by curiosity for Bella herself. I noticed that for a human, she has the most bizarre emotions at times. I never detected even a hint of fear around our house. Just awe, admiration, and hope.

The next time Edward was gone, I managed to put the puzzle together.

See, I never was very good at killing mindlessly. I knew that I would always have to deal with my prey's feelings. I came close to a lot more 'slips' than most of my family think. Edward and Alice know, of course. How could they not? They also know that the only reason I did not kill those humans was their peaceful mind. How do you kill someone while you feel, with every fibre of your being, the pure happiness of that person?

Yeah, you do not.

In the same way, I do not think I ever wanted or could ever want to kill Bella. I will admit, her blood smells maddeningly sweet, it burns my throat when she gets close. But her desire, her hope, and her happiness would probably not allow me to kill her.

It was just a theory of course. The kind that you do _not _share with others, especially Edward. The kind you do not ever put to test.

I was one hundred percent convinced of that, until last night.

--

It was September 13th yesterday; Bella's birthday. One year after.

Edward had promised Bella (as part of a mind-blowing cobweb of compromises from both parties) to turn her no later than at midnight on the day before her nineteenth birthday. The previous month we had all had to endure the building tension radiating from Edward, and Bella as a consequence. You did not have to be a mind reader to tell that Edward was getting cold feet. Bella misinterpreted it as his usual reluctance to put her in any possible danger.

I did not think Edward capable of doing it, of actually biting Bella. I asked Alice about his decision many times. Until the very last moment, she told me she saw the whole scene in her head. He apparently had his mind set about his decision. Well, Edward was never one to break promises, I will give him that.

Yet it did not surprise me to see Alice's face suddenly in shock, moments before midnight, September 12th. "Edward is going to leave," she whispered. Before anyone could stop him, talk some sense into him, he was gone.

I looked at Alice, and her sad face was filled with compassion for Bella. "Go," I told her. I heard Alice enter Edward's bedroom, and the crying started. It was hard for me to block the sadness out, and it took me a few hours to realize that some of the sadness I felt was my own.

The following day Edward was still gone. Alice reassured us that he did not intend on staying away long, just long enough to quench the thirst. She already saw him returning in a day or two. Throughout the entire afternoon, she kept a close look on Edward's near future, as well as on Bella.

Bella seemed alright on the surface. She could have fooled anyone but me. There was worry, sadness, fear, and despair.

And suddenly shock, too. All eyes were on Alice, who looked far away and worried. She told us that she was getting mixed visions about Edward. He was confused, and apparently struggling with himself. Carlisle thought it best if someone would go after him, just in case. Bella's fear and worry were most prominent now.

Edward and Alice, who had gone after him, were not yet back at twilight. I had retreated to my room, reading, enjoying the peaceful silence in my head. I heard footsteps just outside my door and knew that Bella was approaching. A wave of determination washed over me. When she appeared in the doorway, she immediately locked eyes with me. The sensation was overwhelming. Resolution. Hope. Desire. She closed the door.

"I said goodbye to my old life, and refuse to live a single day in my twentieth year," she said, before I could ask her anything. Not that I did not already know what she wanted from me. "I can't just fall back to that now, I _need _this, Jasper." I had never seen her like this before. Strong. Stronger than Edward. I felt myself smile a calming smile. Bella frowned at that, misunderstanding my reaction.

"Bella, don't resist, calm down. I understand," confusion, followed by placidity, "and I will help you if this is really what you want. Is it?" Hope.

I allowed myself to look her deep in the eyes for the first time, trying to find any trace of regret, vindictiveness, or anger towards Edward. I found none. She stared straight back, nodding. Desire. Trust.

I moved towards her, slowly, giving her time to react. I was expecting fear, anxiety, reluctance, panic, anything along those lines, but the atmosphere did not change. I kept moving slowly, thinking one last time about what I was about to do. I forced myself to think of her blood, testing myself. It smelled sweet, tempting, as always. But for the first time, it was overshadowed by something else. I did not know what it was (I still do not), but I realized that this was no longer about her blood for me. I knew I could do this. I had to. For Bella.

I was right in front of her now. One last time, "are you sure?" A nod. I shook my head. "Say it."

"Bite me, Jasper." Always with the sarcasm.

I slipped one hand around her neck, and the other arm around her waist. I pushed her against the door, making sure she could not writhe too much, which I was sure she would otherwise. She was warm, it felt strange to me. I realized with a pang of guilt that Edward would never feel her like this again.

I kissed her cheek, and bent my head down to her throat. She had gone rigid. "Breathe, Bella," I smiled. She relaxed, and I sank my teeth into her warm flesh.

--

Right now, I am sitting at her bed, together with Carlisle. It did not take long for everyone in the house to register what was going on last night. Carlisle was the first to reach us, and I am glad for that. He was calm, surprisingly, when I heard him say my name on the other side of the door. Switzerland, personified. He knew what to do. He carried her to Edward's bed, and brought her morphine. As long as she still had her human blood, that would help against the pain. She has been asleep ever since.

The whirlwind of emotions in this house is crowding me, and I know this is nothing compared to what I will face when Edward comes home.

"She is waking." Carlisle's voice drags me back from my thoughts. I look at Bella, opening her eyes. Sensitive to the light. I suddenly have a flashback from over one hundred and fifty years back. I remember this moment. It is confusing. And indeed, a wave of confusion. Understanding. Relief. Curiosity. Her gaze shifts to me. Admiration?

She smiles, surprising me with the dark red colour of her eyes. That is going to take some getting used to.


End file.
